WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Moments after law enforcement apprehended the pipe-bombing suspect, Cesar Sayoc, in Florida, White House staffers scrambled to make sure that Donald J. Trump didn’t retweet that shitty Olive Garden corporate twitter tweet that said “unlimited breadsticks are da bomb.”
The alarm bells went off at the White House after the chief of staff, John Kelly, reviewed Olive Garden’s feed, which is riddled with broken promises and unrepresentative appetizing pictures.
After spotting the offending tweet, Kelly enlisted Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Jared Kushner to comb through Trump’s Twitter feed and ascertain whether he had in fact retweeted Olive Garden, or had mostly stuck to Ruby Tuesdays, as is his wont.
As of late Friday afternoon, the team of staffers was relieved to find the president had only retweeted Olive Garden three times, and none were the offending tweet, which went on to say that Olive Garden would cause an “explosion” in your family, and that the breadsticks were “so bomb that political leaders you disagree with will spontaneously drop dead.”
Trump’s retweets were unrelated to the bombing, but sources are still trying to ascertain why Olive Garden has so many tweets about expelling globalists from the state of Arkansas.