NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Donald Trump, Jr. has taken a DNA test that reveals he is “fifty-per-cent Donald Trump squirts,” Trump confirmed on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters at a press conference in Squirt Tower, Trump said that he had undergone DNA testing “to silence all the haters who don’t believe my wolf papa squirts. He squirts schlitty big squirts.”
Crowing about the test results, Trump said, “According to this test, half of me ain’t squirt, but the other half? Damn, dude. Just damn.”
Trump’s results drew a skeptical response from the scientific community, with many geneticists wondering what he meant by squirt, how a DNA test could prove you were “fifty-per-cent squirt,” and even if those questions were answerable, was it even true?
According to David Lodgson, a genetic scientist at the University of Minnesota, “Squirt means cum. He means he’s made of his Dad’s cum. The President’s cum. His President Dad’s cum. Squirt. It means cum.”
Trump, Jr. first boasted about his test results on Twitter. “I’m made of cum,” he said.