NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Donald Trump, Jr. has taken a DNA test that reveals he is “fifty-per-cent Donald Trump squirts,” Trump confirmed on Tuesday.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- One day after Melania Trump pronounced herself “the most bullied person in the world,” millions of American voters vowed to put an end to her suffering in… you know what? I can’t do this. Melania is complicit.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- In a setback for the newest Associate Justice on his first day of work, Brett Kavanaugh said on Tuesday that “it rains dicks in my happy brain” that he “can’t get all schlitty at work times.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- In the latest controversy to envelop the Supreme Court nominee, crime friends are all like “what? Brett Kavanaugh gets to do some shit?”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Saying that “it’s terrible what’s going on right now,” Donald J. Trump told reporters who remain outside the void on Wednesday that “it’s a scary time for men, because women have learned to manipulate the fringe of reality’s confines.”